Humor Quotes

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Humor Quotes

“Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I’m not sure about the universe.”

Albert Einstein

“So many books, so little time.”

Frank Zappa

“You only live once, but if you do it right, once is enough.”

Mae West

“Insanity is doing the same thing, over and over again, but expecting different results.”

Narcotics Anonymous

“A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.”

Steve Martin

“Never put off till tomorrow what may be done day after tomorrow just as well.”

Mark Twain

“I love deadlines. I love the whooshing noise they make as they go by.”

Douglas Adams, The Salmon of Doubt

“Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea.”

Robert A. Heinlein

“All you need is love. But a little chocolate now and then doesn’t hurt.”

Charles M. Schulz

“I’m not afraid of death; I just don’t want to be there when it happens.”

Woody Allen

“Whenever I feel the need to exercise, I lie down until it goes away.”

Paul Terry

“Some people never go crazy. What truly horrible lives they must lead.”

Charles Bukowski

“Reality continues to ruin my life.”

Bill Watterson, The Complete Calvin and Hobbes

“The reason I talk to myself is because I’m the only one whose answers I accept.”

George Carlin

“Go to heaven for the climate and hell for the company.”

Benjamin Franklin Wade

“I love mankind … it’s people I can’t stand!!”

Charles M. Schulz

“I am free of all prejudice. I hate everyone equally. ”

W.C. Fields

“Remember, we’re madly in love, so it’s all right to kiss me anytime you feel like it.”

Suzanne Collins, The Hunger Games

“It’s no use going back to yesterday, because I was a different person then.”

Lewis Carroll

“Be careful about reading health books. Some fine day you’ll die of a misprint.”

Markus Herz

“Have you ever noticed how ‘What the hell’ is always the right decision to make?”

Terry Johnson, Insignificance

“Creativity is knowing how to hide your sources”

C.E.M. Joad

“Give a man a fire and he’s warm for a day, but set fire to him and he’s warm for the rest of his life.”

Terry Pratchett, Jingo

“All God does is watch us and kill us when we get boring. We must never, ever be boring.”

Chuck Palahniuk, Invisible Monsters

“This life’s hard, but it’s harder if you’re stupid.”

George V. Higgins, The Friends of Eddie Coyle

“I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that I don’t know the answer”

Douglas Adams

“Never memorize something that you can look up.”

Albert Einstein

“He can run faster than Severus Snape confronted with shampoo.”

J.K. Rowling, Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows

“There’s a fine line between genius and insanity. I have erased this line.”

Oscar Levant

“Two wrongs don’t make a right, but they make a good excuse.”

Thomas Szasz

“It means ‘Shadowhunters: Looking Better in Black Than the Widows of our Enemies Since 1234’.”

Cassandra Clare, City of Bones

“Reader, suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress. But I repeat myself.”

Mark Twain

“The planet is fine. The people are fucked.”

George Carlin

“I like work: it fascinates me. I can sit and look at it for hours.”

Jerome K. Jerome

“If a cluttered desk is a sign of a cluttered mind, of what, then, is an empty desk a sign?”

Laurence J. Peter

“There are two motives for reading a book; one, that you enjoy it; the other, that you can boast about it.”

Bertrand Russell

“I did not attend his funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it.”

Mark Twain

“Where is human nature so weak as in the bookstore?”

Henry Ward Beecherr

“It is hard enough to remember my opinions, without also remembering my reasons for them!”

Friedrich Nietzsche

“If at first you don’t succeed, try, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.”

W.C. Fields

“I generally avoid temptation unless I can’t resist it.”

Mae West

“Never let your sense of morals prevent you from doing what is right.”

Isaac Asimov, Foundation

“Happiness is a warm puppy.”

Charles M. Schulz

“I was gratified to be able to answer promptly, and I did. I said I didn’t know.”

Mark Twain

“I don’t know the question, but sex is definitely the answer.”

Woody Allen

“Fantasy is a necessary ingredient in living, it’s a way of looking at life through the wrong end of a telescope.

Dr. Seuss

“I have great faith in fools – self-confidence my friends will call it.”

Edgar Allan Poe, Marginalia

“Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.”

Anthony G. Oettinger

“I think God, in creating man, somewhat overestimated his ability.”

Oscar Wilde

“Stories of imagination tend to upset those without one.”

Terry Pratchett

“My tastes are simple: I am easily satisfied with the best.”

Winston S. Churchill

“Deadlines just aren’t real to me until I’m staring one in the face.”

Rick Riordan, The Lightning Thief

“Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.”

George Burns

“What would men be without women? Scarce, sir…mighty scarce.”

Mark Twain

“Don’t Panic.”

Douglas Adams, The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy

“History will be kind to me for I intend to write it.”

Winston S. Churchill

“Do your thing and don’t care if they like it.”

Tina Fey, Bossypants

“Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.”

George Carlin

“Say ‘provoking’ again. Your mouth looks provocative when you do.”

Becca Fitzpatrick, Hush, Hush

“I love you like a fat kid loves cake!”

Scott Adams

“Time is a drug. Too much of it kills you.”

Terry Pratchett, Small Gods

“You here to finish me off, Sweetheart?”

Suzanne Collins, The Hunger Games

“The meek may inherit the earth, but at the moment it belongs to the conceited. Like me.”

Cassandra Clare, City of Bones

“I’m sure the universe is full of intelligent life. It’s just been too intelligent to come here.”

Arthur C. Clarke

“If you ever find yourself in the wrong story, leave.”

Mo Willems, Goldilocks and the Three Dinosaurs

“Some people say, “Never let them see you cry.” I say, if you’re so mad you could just cry, then cry. It terrifies everyone.”

Tina Fey, Bossypants

“Don’t feel bad, I’m usually about to die.”

Rick Riordan, The Battle of the Labyrinth

“Time is an illusion. Lunchtime doubly so.”

Douglas Adams, The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy

“That’s why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.”

George Carlin

“Of all the trees we could’ve hit, we had to get one that hits back.”

J.K. Rowling, Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets

“Even if you are on the right track, you’ll get run over if you just sit there.”

Will Rogers

“I’m tough, I’m ambitious, and I know exactly what I want. If that makes me a bitch, okay.”


“The capacity for friendship is God’s way of apologizing for our families.”

Jay McInerney, The Last of the Savages

“Every now and then I like to do as I’m told, just to confuse people.”

Tamora Pierce, Melting Stones

“Today was good. Today was fun. Tomorrow is another one.”

Dr. Seuss

“Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes clean to the bone.”

Dorothy Parker

“Yes, frosting. The final defense of the dying.”

Suzanne Collins, The Hunger Games

“Would it save you a lot of time if I just gave up and went mad now?”

Douglas Adams, The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy

“May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.”

George Carlin

“The worst part of success is trying to find someone who is happy for you.”

Bette Midler

“Wisdom comes from experience. Experience is often a result of lack of wisdom.”

Terry Pratchett

“What’s the good of living if you don’t try a few things?”

Charles M. Schulz

“Beautiful face. Beautiful body. Horrible attitude. It was the holy trinity of hot boys.”

Jennifer L. Armentrout, Obsidian

“I always arrive late at the office, but I make up for it by leaving early.”

Charles Lamb

“I’ve lived through some terrible things in my life, some of which actually happened.”

Mark Twain

“I have nothing to declare except my genius.”

Oscar Wilde

“I never forget a face, but in your case I’ll be glad to make an exception.”

Groucho Marx

“No good deed goes unpunished.”

Oscar Wilde

“Humor is reason gone mad.”

Groucho Marx

“Life doesn’t imitate art, it imitates bad television.”

Woody Allen

“Nothing takes the taste out of peanut butter quite like unrequited love.”

Charles M. Schulz

“Five exclamation marks, the sure sign of an insane mind.”

Terry Pratchett, Reaper Man

“It crosses my mind that Cinna’s calm and normal demeanor masks a complete madman.”

Suzanne Collins, The Hunger Games

“I figured something out. The future is unpredictable.”

John Green, An Abundance of Katherines

“If my doctor told me I had only six minutes to live, I wouldn’t brood. I’d type a little faster.”

Isaac Asimov

“See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time.”

Robin Williams

“If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?”

George Carlin

“If you love something set it free, but don’t be surprised if it comes back with herpes.”

Chuck Palahniuk

“There’s no need to clarify my finger snap,” said Magnus. “The implication was clear in the snap itself.”

Cassandra Clare, City of Ashes

“It’s like learning to ride a unicorn. You never forget.”

Eoin Colfer, Artemis Fowl

“I know all those words, but that sentence makes no sense to me.”

Matt Groening

“All you need in this life is ignorance and confidence; then success is sure. ”

Mark Twain

“Puns are the highest form of literature.”

Alfred Hitchcock

“It takes a lot of time to be a genius. You have to sit around so much, doing nothing, really doing nothing.”

Gertrude Stein

“Write what you know. That should leave you with a lot of free time.”

Howard Nemerov

“That wasn’t any act of God. That was an act of pure human fuckery.”

Stephen King, The Stand

“A clear conscience is the sure sign of a bad memory.”

Mark Twain

“Just because you’re beautiful and perfect, it’s made you conceited.”

William Goldman, The Princess Bride

“So what? All writers are lunatics!”

Cornelia Funke, Inkspell

“A literary academic can no more pass a bookstore than an alcoholic can pass a bar.”

Amanda Cross

“Humor is almost always anger with its make-up on.”

Stephen King, Bag of Bones

“Cats are intended to teach us that not everything in nature has a purpose.”

Garrison Keillor

“Life sucks, and then you die…”

Stephenie Meyer, Breaking Dawn

“What do I wear in bed? Why, Chanel No. 5, of course”

Marilyn Monroe

“Touch her, and I’ll freeze your testicles off and put them in a jar. Understand?”

Julie Kagawa, The Iron King

“Oh no. Don’t smile. You’ll kill me. I stop breathing when you smile.”

Tessa Dare, A Lady of Persuasion

“You are the shuckiest shuck faced shuck in the world!”

James Dashner, The Maze Runner

“Heterosexuality is not normal, it’s just common.”

Dorothy Parker

“Sometimes you just have to pee in the sink.”

Charles Bukowski

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