1. I can but I won’t.
2. You can be replaced.
3. You really can (not)!
4. It could always get worse.
5. Work hard, complain harder.
6. It probably will get worse.
7. I do marathons…on Netflix.
8. You’re born, you work, you die.
9. Bad luck = right time, wrong place.
10. Try & try until you cannot succeed.
11. Procrastinate now. Don’t put it off.
12. It is what it is. And it’s not good.
13. Your mother’s biggest regret is you.
14. Progress – Just made you irrelevant.
15. Love conquers all, except for herpes.
16. (You cannot) Be your own best friend!
17. It’s never too late to go back to bed.
18. It will (not) all work out in the end!
19. Technology can (not) change our lives!
20. You can (not) always make a fresh start!
21. The first step towards failure is trying.
22. You can (not) be anything you want to be!
23. The sooner every party breaks up the better.
24. Teams – Together, we can do the work of one.
25. There’s someone for everyone except for you.
26. I love you but not as much as I love Netflix
27. Given a choice, you will always choose wrong.
28. Accept that you’re just a product, not a gift.
29. There’s only one you, and that’s a good thing.
30. Meetings – None of us is as dumb as all of us.
31. Be afraid to depend on others when you need to!
32. Help others and you will (not) reap the rewards!
33. There are several reasons why I am going to hell.
34. Work hard and you will (not) get what you deserve!
35. Just wanted to tell you I’m not thinking about you.
36. Happiness is just sadness that hasn’t happened yet.
37. I’m not lazy. I’m just highly motivated to do nothing.
38. Hard work never killed anybody, but why take a chance?
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39. The best things in life are actually really expensive.
40. Dream Small – It’s your only hope for success, really.
41. I’ll get coffee with you but only because I love coffee.
42. Nobody can stop me but only because I haven’t started yet.
43. Those who doubt your ability probably have a valid reason.
44. Life is only logical, and to think it’s a gift is depressing.
45. You’re only as cheap as your most recent inspirational quote.
46. If at first you don’t succeed. Give up and try something else.
47. Please take your feelings and tuck them back inside your heart.
48. If you never believe in anything, you’ll never be disappointed.
49. The glass is neither half-empty nor half-full; it’s full of shit.
50. Dare to Soar – With enough hot air, even losers like you can fly.
51. Whenever I feel the need to exercise I lie down until it goes away.
52. Distinction – Looking sharp is easy when you haven’t done any work.
53. Believe in Yourself – Because the rest of us thing you’re an idiot.
54. Always believe that something wonderful will probably never happen.
55. If at first you don’t succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
56. Better discourage a man’s climbing than help him to break his neck.
57. You thank God daily, but have you ever once heard a ‘You’re welcome’?
58. Television – Why talk to your kids when you can watch with your kids?
59. School for 12 years, college for 4 years and work until I die. Great!
60. If you changed everything about you, I’d love you just the way you are.
61. Some are born great, some achieve greatness, and some wind up like you.
62. Doing nothing is very hard to do… you never know when you’re finished.
63. Idiocy – Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.
64. If life doesn’t break you today, don’t worry. It will tr again tomorrow.
65. There are no stupid questions, but there are a LOT of inquisitive idiots.
66. Never regret anything because at one time it was exactly what you wanted.
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67. There are plenty of fish in the sea, none of them want to date you either.
68. Every time you tell a dead person to rest in peace, you disturb their rest.
69. Get to Work – You aren’t being paid to believe in the power of your dreams.
70. Dream is the only way for you to escape the miserable reality of your life.
71. Stubbornness – Because somebody has to be right and it might as well be me.
72. You are a child of the universe. Problem is, the universe is a deadbeat dad.
73. Getting fit is all about mind over matter. I don’t mind, so it doesn’t matter.
74. I look at the world and see a rainbow of people who all suck in different ways.
75. Flattery – if you want to get to the top, prepare to kiss a lot of the bottom.
76. Be the Bridge – that way we can walk all over you on your way to better places.
77. Due to recent cutbacks, the light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off.
78. Everyone’s good at something, and you’re the best at not being good at anything.
79. Ambition – The journey of a thousand miles sometimes ends very, very, very badly.
80. Never Give Up – Never stop trying to exceed your limits. We need the entertainment.
81. Whoever sang, ‘Ooh-ooh, child things are gonna get easier’ was laying to that child.
82. Limitations – Until you spread your wings, you’ll have no idea how far you can walk.
83. If at first you don’t succeed, then skydiving definitely isn’t for you.Steven Wright
84. I’d encourage most people to be themselves. For you, that’s cearly the wrong strategy.
85. Multitasking – The art of doing twice as much as you should half as well as you could.
86. If you give up on your dreams that may free up some time to get some actual stuff done.
87. TEAMWORK: A few harmless flakes working together can unleash an avalanche of destruction.
88. Pulling Together – only works when you’re not jerking in opposite directions like idiots.
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89. I’m sorry I didn’t respond to your text. It’s just that I don’t care about your feelings.
90. Nothing says ‘you’re a loser’ more than owning a motivational poster about being a winner.
91. Today I want you to be the best ‘you’ that you can possibly be, which isn’t asking for much.
92. Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because if you don’t, everyone will ask you what’s wrong.
93. Mistakes – it could be that the purpose of your life is only to serve as a warning to others.
94. I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific.Lily Tomlin
95. Interns – The experience we’re giving you is invaluable. That’s why we’re not paying you anything.
96. Expectations – Refuse to accept anything but the very best and you are never going to last around here.
97. The secret of my success? I make a list of things not to do, and then I check them off as I don’t do them.
98. CONSULTING: If you’re not a part of the solution, there’s good money to be made in prolonging the problem.
99. A thousand-mile journey starts with one step. Then again, so does falling in ditch and breaking your neck.
100. To get back my youth I would do anything in the world, except take exercise, get up early, or be respectable.
101. Mediocrity-Penguins – Just because we accept you as you are doesn’t mean we’ve abandoned hope you’ll improve.
102. Because there’s nothing standing between you and your goal but a total lack of talent and complete failure of will.
103. Dare to Be Different – Because there’s always room for another annoying non-conformist like you in the enemployment line.