1. To do is to be. To be is to do. Do be do be do.
2. I snore on purpose.
3. Hide. I see Monday.
4. Bad Spellers – UNTIE!!
5. I always lie. Trust me.
6. THINK, its not illegal yet
7. My Reality Check bounced.
8. Without ME its just Aweso
9. Predictive texting socks.
10. Life is Short – Talk Fast!
11. If you must lie, be brief.
12. To be honest…I’m a liar!
13. What is the speed of dark?
14. Spoons…bowls with handles.
15. Is stupid making me drugs?
16. Thank God, I’m an atheist.
17. Guess what?!:O…. Nothing:D
18. I will procrastinate later.
19. Celibacy is not hereditary.
20. I ain’t got no bad grammar.
21. Once upon a time an old lady died in her childhood!
22. Avoid hangovers: stay drunk.
23. Smile…It confuses people..!!
24. Patience is a waste of time.
25. I’m in no shape to exercise.
26. Look, I’m no rocket surgeon.
27. Do a fish ever gets thirsty?
28. Do you mind if I don’t smoke?
29. Women’s weapon, water- drops.
30. There is no I in fail… WAIT!…
31. Save water and shower together
32. I scored high on my drug test.
33. Spies and parents never sleep.
34. Put the fun between your legs.
35. HAS ANYONE SEEN MY CAPSLOCK?!!
36. The Internet is full. Go away.
37. Save paper, don’t do home work.
38. Forget the dog! Beware of kids!
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39. I am in shape…Round is a shape.
40. 90% of the game is half mental.
41. 15 out of 10 people exaggerate.
42. He was the toast to her butter.
43. Adults are just kids with money.
44. Hating me won’t make you pretty!
45. True skill comes without effort.
46. I’m giving you a definite maybe.
47. All married women are not wives.
48. I hope I didn’t brain my damage.
49. I’m not crazy. Just imaginative.
50. We made too many wrong mistakes.
51. I reads every chance I can gets.
52. I meditate; therefore, you live.
53. Tuesday is Monday’s Ugly Sister.
54. When nothing goes right, Go left.
55. I don’t drive FAST, I FLY SloWLy.
56. Go buy yourself a life on e- bay.
57. I put the pro in procrastination.
58. I’m not fat. You’re just too skinny.
59. You are what you eat. Avoid nuts.
60. The truth hurts….. Thats why I lie
61. So many men and yet so few brains.
62. There’s no vaccine against stupid.
63. Weather forecast for tonight: dark
64. I’m confused… Wait, maybe I’m not…
65. It’s bad luck to be superstitious.
66. Traffic is moving at a standstill.
67. Reality continues to ruin my life.
68. Animals need to eat. But so do we.
69. Dear Homework, I hate you so much.
70. Shortest horror story ever: Monday
71. The complete fool is half prophet.
72. So what? All writers are lunatics!
73. I’ve got problem for your solution…
74. Never play leapfrog with a unicorn.
75. I’m so cool, ice cubes get jealous.
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76. I currently live in the 9021 broke.
77. If you are bad. Then I am your dad.
78. QUICK!! What’s the number for 911!!!
79. Dude! You’re scaring me…Stop Smiling
80. I’m not insecure… I just don’t care.
81. Procrastinate now, don’t put it off.
82. Why is 6 afraid of 7? Because 7 8 9!
83. Collective madness is called sanity.
84. Your intelligence is my common sense.
85. Some call it stalking I call it love.
86. If others can do it…let them do it…
87. It’s better to cheat, than to repeat…
88. Tell your girlfriend, I said thanks…!
89. Excuse me, but do these stairs go up?
90. Old is always fifteen years from now.
91. You say ear wax, I say melting brain.
92. Life is uncertain. Eat dessert first.
93. A thesaurus is a dictionary on drugs.
94. Sanity: I’m not crazy. “Yes you are.”
95. I love sweet people, they taste good.
96. I have a problem .. its called life.
97. Why do they put pizza in a square box?
98. When God made me, he was showing off!!
99. If facebook was a subject I’d get A+++
100. If life gives you lemons. Eat carrots.
Bonus Funny Quotes and Captions
101. I’m not fat. My stomach is just in 3D.
102. Cuddle a chemist and see the reaction.
103. How come wrong numbers are never busy?
104. I’m not confused, I’m just well mixed.
105. Ahhh Friday…my second favorite F word!
106. Boys fall for me – Because I trip them.
107. Vegetarians are killing the rainforest.
108. Drive it like you stole it!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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109. Technology made life easy, Humans lazy.
110. Patience is a procrastinators excuse!!!
111. Pans…can be used as weapons or shields.
112. Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.
113. I’m not lying, I just forgot the truth.
114. Nobody likes change, except a wet baby.
115. Beauty is in the eye of the beerholder.
116. You can observe a lot just by watching.