Humor Quotes

[wpsm_quote author=”Albert Einstein” float=”none” width=”100%”]“Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I’m not sure about the universe.”[/wpsm_quote]
[wpsm_quote author=”Frank Zappa” float=”none” width=”100%”]“So many books, so little time.”[/wpsm_quote]
[wpsm_quote author=”Mae West” float=”none” width=”100%”]“You only live once, but if you do it right, once is enough.”[/wpsm_quote]
[wpsm_quote author=”Narcotics Anonymous” float=”none” width=”100%”]“Insanity is doing the same thing, over and over again, but expecting different results.”[/wpsm_quote]
[wpsm_quote author=”Steve Martin” float=”none” width=”100%”]“A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.”[/wpsm_quote]
[wpsm_quote author=”Mark Twain” float=”none” width=”100%”]“Never put off till tomorrow what may be done day after tomorrow just as well.”[/wpsm_quote]
[wpsm_quote author=”Douglas Adams, The Salmon of Doubt” float=”none” width=”100%”]“I love deadlines. I love the whooshing noise they make as they go by.”[/wpsm_quote]
[wpsm_quote author=”Robert A. Heinlein” float=”none” width=”100%”]“Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea.”[/wpsm_quote]
[wpsm_quote author=”Charles M. Schulz” float=”none” width=”100%”]“All you need is love. But a little chocolate now and then doesn’t hurt.”[/wpsm_quote]
[wpsm_quote author=”Woody Allen” float=”none” width=”100%”]“I’m not afraid of death; I just don’t want to be there when it happens.”[/wpsm_quote]
[wpsm_quote author=”Paul Terry” float=”none” width=”100%”]“Whenever I feel the need to exercise, I lie down until it goes away.”[/wpsm_quote]
[wpsm_quote author=”Charles Bukowski” float=”none” width=”100%”]“Some people never go crazy. What truly horrible lives they must lead.”[/wpsm_quote]
[wpsm_quote author=”Bill Watterson, The Complete Calvin and Hobbes” float=”none” width=”100%”]“Reality continues to ruin my life.”[/wpsm_quote]
[wpsm_quote author=”George Carlin” float=”none” width=”100%”]“The reason I talk to myself is because I’m the only one whose answers I accept.”[/wpsm_quote]
[wpsm_quote author=”Benjamin Franklin Wade” float=”none” width=”100%”]“Go to heaven for the climate and hell for the company.”[/wpsm_quote]
[wpsm_quote author=” Charles M. Schulz” float=”none” width=”100%”]“I love mankind … it’s people I can’t stand!!”[/wpsm_quote]
[wpsm_quote author=”W.C. Fields” float=”none” width=”100%”]“I am free of all prejudice. I hate everyone equally. ”[/wpsm_quote]
[wpsm_quote author=”Suzanne Collins, The Hunger Games” float=”none” width=”100%”]“Remember, we’re madly in love, so it’s all right to kiss me anytime you feel like it.”[/wpsm_quote]
[wpsm_quote author=”Lewis Carroll” float=”none” width=”100%”]“It’s no use going back to yesterday, because I was a different person then.”[/wpsm_quote]
[wpsm_quote author=”Markus Herz” float=”none” width=”100%”]“Be careful about reading health books. Some fine day you’ll die of a misprint.”[/wpsm_quote]
[wpsm_quote author=”Terry Johnson, Insignificance” float=”none” width=”100%”]“Have you ever noticed how ‘What the hell’ is always the right decision to make?”[/wpsm_quote]
[wpsm_quote author=”C.E.M. Joad” float=”none” width=”100%”]“Creativity is knowing how to hide your sources”[/wpsm_quote]
[wpsm_quote author=”Terry Pratchett, Jingo” float=”none” width=”100%”]“Give a man a fire and he’s warm for a day, but set fire to him and he’s warm for the rest of his life.”[/wpsm_quote]
[wpsm_quote author=”Chuck Palahniuk, Invisible Monsters” float=”none” width=”100%”]“All God does is watch us and kill us when we get boring. We must never, ever be boring.”[/wpsm_quote]
[wpsm_quote author=”George V. Higgins, The Friends of Eddie Coyle” float=”none” width=”100%”]“This life’s hard, but it’s harder if you’re stupid.”[/wpsm_quote]
[wpsm_quote author=”Douglas Adams” float=”none” width=”100%”]“I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that I don’t know the answer”[/wpsm_quote]
[wpsm_quote author=”Albert Einstein” float=”none” width=”100%”]“Never memorize something that you can look up.”[/wpsm_quote]
[wpsm_quote author=”J.K. Rowling, Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows” float=”none” width=”100%”]“He can run faster than Severus Snape confronted with shampoo.”[/wpsm_quote]
[wpsm_quote author=”Oscar Levant” float=”none” width=”100%”]“There’s a fine line between genius and insanity. I have erased this line.”[/wpsm_quote]
[wpsm_quote author=”Thomas Szasz” float=”none” width=”100%”]“Two wrongs don’t make a right, but they make a good excuse.”[/wpsm_quote]
[wpsm_quote author=”Cassandra Clare, City of Bones” float=”none” width=”100%”]“It means ‘Shadowhunters: Looking Better in Black Than the Widows of our Enemies Since 1234’.”[/wpsm_quote]
[wpsm_quote author=”Mark Twain” float=”none” width=”100%”]“Reader, suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress. But I repeat myself.”[/wpsm_quote]
[wpsm_quote author=”George Carlin” float=”none” width=”100%”]“The planet is fine. The people are fucked.”[/wpsm_quote]
[wpsm_quote author=”Jerome K. Jerome” float=”none” width=”100%”]“I like work: it fascinates me. I can sit and look at it for hours.”[/wpsm_quote]
[wpsm_quote author=”Laurence J. Peter” float=”none” width=”100%”]“If a cluttered desk is a sign of a cluttered mind, of what, then, is an empty desk a sign?”[/wpsm_quote]
[wpsm_quote author=”Bertrand Russell” float=”none” width=”100%”]“There are two motives for reading a book; one, that you enjoy it; the other, that you can boast about it.”[/wpsm_quote]
[wpsm_quote author=”Mark Twain” float=”none” width=”100%”]“I did not attend his funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it.”[/wpsm_quote]
[wpsm_quote author=”Henry Ward Beecherr” float=”none” width=”100%”]“Where is human nature so weak as in the bookstore?”[/wpsm_quote]
[wpsm_quote author=”Friedrich Nietzsche” float=”none” width=”100%”]“It is hard enough to remember my opinions, without also remembering my reasons for them!”[/wpsm_quote]
[wpsm_quote author=”W.C. Fields” float=”none” width=”100%”]“If at first you don’t succeed, try, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.”[/wpsm_quote]
[wpsm_quote author=”Mae West” float=”none” width=”100%”]“I generally avoid temptation unless I can’t resist it.”[/wpsm_quote]
[wpsm_quote author=”Isaac Asimov, Foundation” float=”none” width=”100%”]“Never let your sense of morals prevent you from doing what is right.”[/wpsm_quote]
[wpsm_quote author=”Charles M. Schulz” float=”none” width=”100%”]“Happiness is a warm puppy.”[/wpsm_quote]
[wpsm_quote author=”Mark Twain” float=”none” width=”100%”]“I was gratified to be able to answer promptly, and I did. I said I didn’t know.”[/wpsm_quote]
[wpsm_quote author=”Woody Allen” float=”none” width=”100%”]“I don’t know the question, but sex is definitely the answer.”[/wpsm_quote]
[wpsm_quote author=”Dr. Seuss” float=”none” width=”100%”]“Fantasy is a necessary ingredient in living, it’s a way of looking at life through the wrong end of a telescope.[/wpsm_quote]
[wpsm_quote author=”Edgar Allan Poe, Marginalia” float=”none” width=”100%”]“I have great faith in fools – self-confidence my friends will call it.”[/wpsm_quote]
[wpsm_quote author=”Anthony G. Oettinger” float=”none” width=”100%”]“Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.”[/wpsm_quote]
[wpsm_quote author=”Oscar Wilde” float=”none” width=”100%”]“I think God, in creating man, somewhat overestimated his ability.”[/wpsm_quote]
[wpsm_quote author=”Terry Pratchett” float=”none” width=”100%”]“Stories of imagination tend to upset those without one.”[/wpsm_quote]
[wpsm_quote author=”Winston S. Churchill” float=”none” width=”100%”]“My tastes are simple: I am easily satisfied with the best.”[/wpsm_quote]
[wpsm_quote author=”Rick Riordan, The Lightning Thief” float=”none” width=”100%”]“Deadlines just aren’t real to me until I’m staring one in the face.”[/wpsm_quote]
[wpsm_quote author=”George Burns” float=”none” width=”100%”]“Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.”[/wpsm_quote]
[wpsm_quote author=”Mark Twain” float=”none” width=”100%”]“What would men be without women? Scarce, sir…mighty scarce.”[/wpsm_quote]
[wpsm_quote author=”Douglas Adams, The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy” float=”none” width=”100%”]“Don’t Panic.”[/wpsm_quote]
[wpsm_quote author=”Winston S. Churchill” float=”none” width=”100%”]“History will be kind to me for I intend to write it.”[/wpsm_quote]
[wpsm_quote author=”Tina Fey, Bossypants” float=”none” width=”100%”]“Do your thing and don’t care if they like it.”[/wpsm_quote]
[wpsm_quote author=”George Carlin” float=”none” width=”100%”]“Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.”[/wpsm_quote]
[wpsm_quote author=”Becca Fitzpatrick, Hush, Hush” float=”none” width=”100%”]“Say ‘provoking’ again. Your mouth looks provocative when you do.”[/wpsm_quote]
[wpsm_quote author=”Scott Adams” float=”none” width=”100%”]“I love you like a fat kid loves cake!”[/wpsm_quote]
[wpsm_quote author=”Terry Pratchett, Small Gods” float=”none” width=”100%”]“Time is a drug. Too much of it kills you.”[/wpsm_quote]
[wpsm_quote author=”Suzanne Collins, The Hunger Games” float=”none” width=”100%”]“You here to finish me off, Sweetheart?”[/wpsm_quote]
[wpsm_quote author=”Cassandra Clare, City of Bones” float=”none” width=”100%”]“The meek may inherit the earth, but at the moment it belongs to the conceited. Like me.”[/wpsm_quote]
[wpsm_quote author=”Arthur C. Clarke” float=”none” width=”100%”]“I’m sure the universe is full of intelligent life. It’s just been too intelligent to come here.”[/wpsm_quote]
[wpsm_quote author=”Mo Willems, Goldilocks and the Three Dinosaurs” float=”none” width=”100%”]“If you ever find yourself in the wrong story, leave.”[/wpsm_quote]
[wpsm_quote author=”Tina Fey, Bossypants” float=”none” width=”100%”]“Some people say, “Never let them see you cry.” I say, if you’re so mad you could just cry, then cry. It terrifies everyone.”[/wpsm_quote]
[wpsm_quote author=”Rick Riordan, The Battle of the Labyrinth” float=”none” width=”100%”]“Don’t feel bad, I’m usually about to die.”[/wpsm_quote]
[wpsm_quote author=”Douglas Adams, The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy” float=”none” width=”100%”]“Time is an illusion. Lunchtime doubly so.”[/wpsm_quote]
[wpsm_quote author=”George Carlin” float=”none” width=”100%”]“That’s why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.”[/wpsm_quote]
[wpsm_quote author=”J.K. Rowling, Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets” float=”none” width=”100%”]“Of all the trees we could’ve hit, we had to get one that hits back.”[/wpsm_quote]
[wpsm_quote author=”Will Rogers” float=”none” width=”100%”]“Even if you are on the right track, you’ll get run over if you just sit there.”[/wpsm_quote]
[wpsm_quote author=”Madonna” float=”none” width=”100%”]“I’m tough, I’m ambitious, and I know exactly what I want. If that makes me a bitch, okay.”[/wpsm_quote]
[wpsm_quote author=”Jay McInerney, The Last of the Savages” float=”none” width=”100%”]“The capacity for friendship is God’s way of apologizing for our families.”[/wpsm_quote]
[wpsm_quote author=”Tamora Pierce, Melting Stones” float=”none” width=”100%”]“Every now and then I like to do as I’m told, just to confuse people.”[/wpsm_quote]
[wpsm_quote author=”Dr. Seuss” float=”none” width=”100%”]“Today was good. Today was fun. Tomorrow is another one.”[/wpsm_quote]
[wpsm_quote author=”Dorothy Parker” float=”none” width=”100%”]“Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes clean to the bone.”[/wpsm_quote]
[wpsm_quote author=”Suzanne Collins, The Hunger Games” float=”none” width=”100%”]“Yes, frosting. The final defense of the dying.”[/wpsm_quote]
[wpsm_quote author=” Douglas Adams, The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy” float=”none” width=”100%”]“Would it save you a lot of time if I just gave up and went mad now?”[/wpsm_quote]
[wpsm_quote author=”George Carlin” float=”none” width=”100%”]“May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.”[/wpsm_quote]
[wpsm_quote author=”Bette Midler” float=”none” width=”100%”]“The worst part of success is trying to find someone who is happy for you.”[/wpsm_quote]
[wpsm_quote author=”Terry Pratchett” float=”none” width=”100%”]“Wisdom comes from experience. Experience is often a result of lack of wisdom.”[/wpsm_quote]
[wpsm_quote author=”Charles M. Schulz” float=”none” width=”100%”]“What’s the good of living if you don’t try a few things?”[/wpsm_quote]
[wpsm_quote author=” Jennifer L. Armentrout, Obsidian” float=”none” width=”100%”]“Beautiful face. Beautiful body. Horrible attitude. It was the holy trinity of hot boys.”[/wpsm_quote]
[wpsm_quote author=”Charles Lamb” float=”none” width=”100%”]“I always arrive late at the office, but I make up for it by leaving early.”[/wpsm_quote]
[wpsm_quote author=”Mark Twain” float=”none” width=”100%”]“I’ve lived through some terrible things in my life, some of which actually happened.”[/wpsm_quote]
[wpsm_quote author=”Oscar Wilde” float=”none” width=”100%”]“I have nothing to declare except my genius.”[/wpsm_quote]
[wpsm_quote author=”Groucho Marx” float=”none” width=”100%”]“I never forget a face, but in your case I’ll be glad to make an exception.”[/wpsm_quote]
[wpsm_quote author=”Oscar Wilde” float=”none” width=”100%”]“No good deed goes unpunished.”[/wpsm_quote]
[wpsm_quote author=”Groucho Marx” float=”none” width=”100%”]“Humor is reason gone mad.”[/wpsm_quote]
[wpsm_quote author=”Woody Allen” float=”none” width=”100%”]“Life doesn’t imitate art, it imitates bad television.”[/wpsm_quote]
[wpsm_quote author=”Charles M. Schulz” float=”none” width=”100%”]“Nothing takes the taste out of peanut butter quite like unrequited love.”[/wpsm_quote]
[wpsm_quote author=”Terry Pratchett, Reaper Man” float=”none” width=”100%”]“Five exclamation marks, the sure sign of an insane mind.”[/wpsm_quote]
[wpsm_quote author=”Suzanne Collins, The Hunger Games” float=”none” width=”100%”]“It crosses my mind that Cinna’s calm and normal demeanor masks a complete madman.”[/wpsm_quote]
[wpsm_quote author=”John Green, An Abundance of Katherines” float=”none” width=”100%”]“I figured something out. The future is unpredictable.”[/wpsm_quote]
[wpsm_quote author=”Isaac Asimov” float=”none” width=”100%”]“If my doctor told me I had only six minutes to live, I wouldn’t brood. I’d type a little faster.”[/wpsm_quote]
[wpsm_quote author=” Robin Williams” float=”none” width=”100%”]“See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time.”[/wpsm_quote]
[wpsm_quote author=”George Carlin” float=”none” width=”100%”]“If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?”[/wpsm_quote]
[wpsm_quote author=”Chuck Palahniuk” float=”none” width=”100%”]“If you love something set it free, but don’t be surprised if it comes back with herpes.”[/wpsm_quote]
[wpsm_quote author=”Cassandra Clare, City of Ashes” float=”none” width=”100%”]“There’s no need to clarify my finger snap,” said Magnus. “The implication was clear in the snap itself.”[/wpsm_quote]
[wpsm_quote author=”Eoin Colfer, Artemis Fowl” float=”none” width=”100%”]“It’s like learning to ride a unicorn. You never forget.”[/wpsm_quote]
[wpsm_quote author=”Matt Groening” float=”none” width=”100%”]“I know all those words, but that sentence makes no sense to me.”[/wpsm_quote]
[wpsm_quote author=”Mark Twain” float=”none” width=”100%”]“All you need in this life is ignorance and confidence; then success is sure. ”[/wpsm_quote]
[wpsm_quote author=”Alfred Hitchcock” float=”none” width=”100%”]“Puns are the highest form of literature.”[/wpsm_quote]
[wpsm_quote author=”Gertrude Stein” float=”none” width=”100%”]“It takes a lot of time to be a genius. You have to sit around so much, doing nothing, really doing nothing.”[/wpsm_quote]
[wpsm_quote author=”Howard Nemerov” float=”none” width=”100%”]“Write what you know. That should leave you with a lot of free time.”[/wpsm_quote]
[wpsm_quote author=”Stephen King, The Stand” float=”none” width=”100%”]“That wasn’t any act of God. That was an act of pure human fuckery.”[/wpsm_quote]
[wpsm_quote author=”Mark Twain” float=”none” width=”100%”]“A clear conscience is the sure sign of a bad memory.”[/wpsm_quote]
[wpsm_quote author=”William Goldman, The Princess Bride” float=”none” width=”100%”]“Just because you’re beautiful and perfect, it’s made you conceited.”[/wpsm_quote]
[wpsm_quote author=”Cornelia Funke, Inkspell” float=”none” width=”100%”]“So what? All writers are lunatics!”[/wpsm_quote]
[wpsm_quote author=”Amanda Cross” float=”none” width=”100%”]“A literary academic can no more pass a bookstore than an alcoholic can pass a bar.”[/wpsm_quote]
[wpsm_quote author=”Stephen King, Bag of Bones” float=”none” width=”100%”]“Humor is almost always anger with its make-up on.”[/wpsm_quote]
[wpsm_quote author=”Garrison Keillor” float=”none” width=”100%”]“Cats are intended to teach us that not everything in nature has a purpose.”[/wpsm_quote]
[wpsm_quote author=”Stephenie Meyer, Breaking Dawn” float=”none” width=”100%”]“Life sucks, and then you die…”[/wpsm_quote]
[wpsm_quote author=”Marilyn Monroe” float=”none” width=”100%”]“What do I wear in bed? Why, Chanel No. 5, of course”[/wpsm_quote]
[wpsm_quote author=”Julie Kagawa, The Iron King” float=”none” width=”100%”]“Touch her, and I’ll freeze your testicles off and put them in a jar. Understand?”[/wpsm_quote]
[wpsm_quote author=”Tessa Dare, A Lady of Persuasion” float=”none” width=”100%”]“Oh no. Don’t smile. You’ll kill me. I stop breathing when you smile.”[/wpsm_quote]
[wpsm_quote author=”James Dashner, The Maze Runner” float=”none” width=”100%”]“You are the shuckiest shuck faced shuck in the world!”[/wpsm_quote]
[wpsm_quote author=”Dorothy Parker” float=”none” width=”100%”]“Heterosexuality is not normal, it’s just common.”[/wpsm_quote]
[wpsm_quote author=”Charles Bukowski” float=”none” width=”100%”]“Sometimes you just have to pee in the sink.”[/wpsm_quote]